Thurs 13th: Had arranged a yoga class, a creative meeting with M, and a songwriting session with D. Ha, ha, ha, ha. What was I thinking? Still so fatigued. I cancel yoga and songwriting but think a tiny foray outside would help so meet M at the cafe at end of my street. Wrap up warm, sit outside. Sun comes out, giving us huge dose of Vitamin D. Can’t help going back and working. Risky energy-wise, but feeling inspired and desperate to act on it.

Fri 14th: Due to have session with my physio T, but this time it’s him, not me, having to cancel, as his little girl is poorly. I have prepared myself for activity tho so, despite it raining with biblical intensity, ML drives us for a wee sea-jaunt. Even in full waterproofs, we get completely soaked. And am picking my way along the wet slabs of rock so carefully, knowing how easily a fall could break my porous bones. But it’s worth it. It feels so elemental.

Sat 15th: Autistic Youth Club where I volunteer once a month. Missed the last two so don’t want to cancel. I love it but always talk a lot (my own neurodivergence unmasks in ND environments), using up all my limited energy in one burst. Once home realise am utterly exhausted and overstimulated. But, instead of doing something mindful, spend two hours online! FFS! Why, Rachel! I guess cos my brain is dysregulated and impulse control low and the algorithms got me. Feel so regretful.

Sun 16th: Still angry at self, brain still feels horrible, sleep still non-restorative. Hope our Sunday Sea-worship will help. It does for a while – The cold shock. The horizon. The endorphins. But later, feel so dark and heavy again. Can’t get equilibrium.