I work in a school and this is the first week of the summer holidays.

Yayyy!!!

This is my list of things to do in said time:

1. Meditate and write my journal every day and eat well and sleep well and get loads of exercise and fresh air.
2. Craft and release loads of blog posts. And complete the short film projects I have been incubating.
3. And spend worry-free time with my friends and family.
4. And sort out my money admin (by which I mean open all the mail from places like the DWP and Bank and Credit Companies that I’ve stashed in various piles so as not to see it looking at me reproachfully, and actually do stuff with it).
5. Declutter my room, house, life… a la Marie Kondo.

Oh…it could all be so wonderful…..

And so could I

Yaaaayyy!!!

Except….

Except…well, it’s just that I keep waking with the gnawing fear that I will lose these weeks in a blur of self-sabotage.

It seems I do not trust myself.

Oh no!

Expectation, anticipation, overwhelm..I’m buried.

What if instead…

I just don’t?

Don’t do any of that.

Want to do it.

But don’t.

What if I freeze? And avoid? And neglect?

What if all I feel is fatigue?

What if I get depressed again like last summer? And feel I must force a smile when the new term starts as everyone excitedly shares their holiday stories and I go into “oh my god, I’m so weird, I’m so wrong…” ashamed to be me mode?

Oh god.

And what if suddenly all this unfetterred time feels like no time at all?

What if I totally squander the gift of summer?

And then I remembered.

It is not time that is my enemy or friend, rescuer or jailer?

It is connection.

All those things I fear happen when I am disconnected, fragmented, fighting off feelings.

When I am present, time seems to expand. I have enough of what I need.

So I must keep breathing.

Oh, and of course, let go of wild, unrealistic expectations and remember that if I had the money we would be in the sunny mediterranean doing nothing but sitting and smiling, so even if I manage nothing but number 1 of my list (which is actually 6 things), I’m doing pretty bloody well.