I meet with Lynsey from Able Futures for support with a health-related benefit application. Just the thought of getting the form out of its A4 brown envelope makes me want to lie down. And this is only the first tiny step into what will be a months-long process. Taking out the 40 page booklet, I contemplate the upsetting summary of life events I will need to write in order to complete it: A sort of ‘anti-CV’. Oh God.

To remind myself that I am more than a horrible history, and emboldened by having shown Unstruggling to Sharon last month, I offer Lynsey my blog to read too. She dives in, but soon says “Rachel, don’t edit the rawness out of your work.” I go quiet, thinking nobody needs to read stuff I just streamed right out of my consciousness!

But I know she’s thinking of other people she supports. If I can bear to leave some of my blood and guts on the page, maybe they’ll feel less alone or ashamed about theirs. So, despite the urge to polish my writing till it’s shiny, I resolve to include diary-style pages in my blog for less filtered daily stuff.

Though, it’s possible I’ve said something similar before. Hmm…Change takes time.

Epilogue: I’ve done it! I finally added a diary to my site, prompted by the space opened up by The Corona Shutdown. The diary pages appear in my main blog but they are also listed together on a separate page called: THE BIG PAUSE: SCENES FROM A LOCKDOWN