Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I like to sow scenes of beauty in this blog because even when life feels dark and terrifying, somewhere in it all there will be a speck of hope. It might be miniscule and you might have to look under a rock to find it, but it does exist. However, it’s dishonest not to mention the ugly shit too. You lift up that rock and you might find all kinds of nasty before you see the shiny thing.
Ok, that was my preamble for permission to rant about my Very Bad Night. Last night my brain got stuck on high-alert. I will not let you rest, it said, because…because you don’t deserve it. And it placed a selection of audio fragments on repeat in my head for seven solid hours. Things I like – Adam Buxton’s podcast jingle, the All Saints song I heard on the radio yesterday and the game I made up to distract my mind into sleep – find a country for each letter of the alphabet – became my tormenters.
My brain out of control:“Sometimes, vocabulary runs through my head…” “Like and Subscribe, like and subscribe …“ “Afghanistan, Bolivia, Cuba…” “The alphabet runs right from A- Z..” “Like and Subscribe, like and subscribe …“ “Conversations, hesitations in my mind…” “Denmark, Ecuador, France…” “Give me lickle smile and a thumbs up…””You got my conscience asking questions that I can’t find…” “Ghana, Haiti, Iceland…” “Nice lickle pat when me bum’s up…” Repeat to fade…
But when the whirring subsided, underneath was all this sadness about the NHS staff who died on the Coronavirus frontline this past week – Areema Nasreen, Aimee O’Rourke, Amged El-Hawrani, Adil El Tayar and Habib Zaidi. And anger – why were they not protected? And fear – what if my sister-in-law, who works for Public Health Wales gets recalled back into nursing – and her life is under threat…?
This is unthinkable. So my brain does other things.